BEIJING—Amid intensifying tech tensions, Chinese officials launched a sweeping cybersecurity probe into U.S. chipmaker Micron Technology this week, reportedly ordering the Idaho-based company to “surrender all thumb drives, floppy disks, and that mysterious USB in the break room drawer, just to be safe.”

“We have reason to believe these microchips might be hiding unspeakable secrets, such as TikTok dance passwords and the real recipe for Dr Pepper,” said Wang Guo, spokesperson for the Cyberspace Administration of China, adding that investigators would also be examining Micron’s collection of vintage PalmPilots and ‘those weird round things from the 90s’ discovered in a filing cabinet marked ‘Do Not Touch.’

Chinese authorities have already deployed a 17-person task force, code-named Operation Silicon Ferret, to scrutinize Micron’s technology for evidence of ‘Western cyber voodoo.’ “Our technicians have located several suspect files labeled ‘Tax Returns 2012’ and—most alarming—‘DoNotLook.exe,’” confirmed lead investigator Lin Qiao. “We will leave no thumb drive unturned.”

Micron CEO Sanjay Mehrotra downplayed the probe, stating, “We assure our partners that all our chips are entirely free of international intrigue, though we can’t speak for the one engineer who brought his Nintendo Switch to work.”

As a precaution, the Chinese government has reportedly expanded the probe to include all devices with blinking lights, suspicious beeping, or the ability to play ‘Snake.’