BEIJING—After raking in a record-shattering $1.076 trillion trade surplus, Chinese officials announced Monday that they would finally have the means to import enough bubble wrap and cardboard boxes to continue exporting everything else next year.

“It’s a huge relief,” sighed Deputy Commerce Minister Han Zeping, pausing to pack another million iPhones into boxes labeled ‘MADE EVERYWHERE BUT THE U.S.’ “We were worried we’d have to start sending microwaves overseas in plastic shopping bags.”

While the historic surplus was celebrated on state TV with a 23-hour marathon of ‘Who Wants to Be a Billionaire Exporter?’, some voices expressed concern about overreliance on foreign shoppers. “Our economy is like a factory outlet mall built on a one-way bridge,” explained senior economic analyst Liu Fen, “except the bridge leads directly to the world’s front porch.”

U.S. officials, meanwhile, expressed their own frustrations. “I can’t even find an American flag not made in Guangdong,” said White House trade negotiator Chad Morton, adjusting his novelty Statue of Liberty hat, made in Shenzhen. “At this point, I just Venmo Beijing directly and cut out the middleman.”

Despite dropping exports to the U.S. thanks to mounting trade skirmishes, China has redoubled efforts to export everything from hand tools to life-sized animatronic pandas to new and exciting markets like Belarus and Des Moines, Iowa. “Sure, we’re addicted to exporting,” admitted Han. “But hey, admitting you have a problem is the first step. The second step is exporting that self-awareness.”