After the Super Bowl LVIII Halftime Show featured Puerto Rican rapper Bad Bunny instead of the traditional Lee Greenwood hologram and fireworks spelling ‘U-S-A,’ conservative commentators from sea to shining sea reportedly took to their fainting couches Monday, clutching their pearls and calling the event “dangerously unpatriotic.”

Fox News host Megyn Kelly dedicated an entire show to what she described as ‘the catastrophic erasure of all that is good and American,’ explaining, ‘I tuned in expecting an army of bald eagles, but all I got was a man named after an animal that isn’t even native to this country.’

Meanwhile, Piers Morgan, who bravely waded into the culture war from the safety of his London penthouse, questioned whether the MAGA movement is ‘going woke’ after seeing thousands of red-capped fans denounce the halftime show for featuring “foreign influences, excessive rhythm, and zero Toby Keith.” ‘If the conservative base can’t handle a little reggaeton,’ Morgan mused, ‘what’s next? Demanding safe spaces at tractor pulls?’

Republican strategist Buckley Hammersmith went further, warning, ‘If the Super Bowl Halftime Show isn’t strictly Toby Keith singing ‘Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue’ atop Mount Rushmore, we’re teaching our children to hate America.’

The RNC has reportedly called for a 12-point plan to ensure next year’s halftime performance features Kid Rock, a steak grilling demonstration, and a dramatic reading of the Constitution by Clint Eastwood.