WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that left both legal scholars and local therapy dog trainers scratching their heads, U.S. District Judge Thelma Harroway paused yesterday’s arraignment to issue a heartfelt apology to Simon Cuffley, the man accused of plotting an attack on former President Donald Trump. The apology, delivered alongside a certificate for ten free counseling sessions and a gentle golden retriever named Jasper, comes as the latest addition to Judge Harroway’s growing reputation for what observers call her ‘radically empathetic jurisprudence.’

‘I want to sincerely apologize for the emotional toll this process has taken on you,’ Judge Harroway said, pausing court proceedings to personally hand Cuffley a copy of “How to Express Yourself Peacefully” and a bouquet of lavender. ‘Remember, Simon, in this courtroom, your feelings come first.’

Judge Harroway, whose rulings have included issuing formal ‘We’re Sorry’ cards to graffiti artists and reading bedtime stories to trespassing suspects, was appointed by the infamous Panel of Jurors Who Think Trump is a Character in a Dickens Novel. The panel is known for vetting judicial nominees by how quickly they can identify Mar-a-Lago on an electoral map.

‘I wish more judges understood the power of an honest apology,’ said court-appointed therapist Todd Plimpton, petting Jasper and preparing a stress ball for the defendant. ‘Sometimes the real crime is hurt feelings.’

Legal analyst Serena Brookes expressed concern: ‘Sure, empathy matters, but I’m not sure we needed to install a mediation circle and juice bar in the courthouse.’

When reached for comment, Cuffley said, ‘I feel so validated—though I was really hoping for an air fryer.’