DETROIT — In a bold move toward transparent law enforcement, Detroit Police Chief Ronald P. Fudgerson announced Thursday that all critical personnel decisions will be decided by spinning a custom-made, 9-foot diameter Wheel of Public Outrage featuring options such as ‘Cave to GOP’, ‘Anger Progressives’, and ‘Blame Canada’.

The latest policy innovation arrived after Fudgerson reversed the firing of Officers Stephanie Quibble and Brad “Borderline” Jenkins, who allegedly coordinated an arrest with federal immigration agents in violation of Detroit’s official ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Deport’ stance. The 180-degree pivot left activists, politicians, and confused circus performers chanting outside police headquarters.

“I simply spun the wheel and it landed on ‘Cave to Republican Demands’ twice in a row. Statistically improbable, but hey, it’s democracy!” explained Fudgerson, donning his ceremonial Wheelmaster sash at a press conference. “We considered consulting our moral compass, but someone stole it during the 2014 budget cuts.”

Republican state senator Buford Crankshaft praised the move: “It’s nice to see cops finally doing what we scream at them to do on cable news. Democracy in action, baby!”

But local progressive leader Skylar Moon-Zamboni condemned the reversal: “This is a betrayal of Detroit’s values, and also, I just ordered 500 ‘Rehire Our Heroes’ yard signs. What am I supposed to do with these now?”

Quibble and Jenkins, meanwhile, announced plans to co-author a memoir titled ‘Accidentally Back On The Force: We Thought We Were Fired, Too’.