WASHINGTON—Chaos erupted in elite circles Wednesday after the Department of Justice’s latest dump of Jeffrey Epstein files inexplicably included his Xbox Live chat logs, a complete list of Minecraft server bans, and a blurry Club Penguin avatar wearing a monocle. While officials insist the leaks are all part of their transparency initiative, some observers say the newly released chats raise more questions than answers.

Among other revelations, tech moguls reportedly debated bioethics on Epstein’s Animal Crossing island while trading rare turnips. Bill Gates, reviewing allegations he once visited Epstein’s private Roblox server, called the claims ‘absolutely absurd,’ adding, ‘I only log into Neopets to check the stock market.’ Elon Musk, who was revealed to have sent Epstein a ‘maybe’ RSVP for his infamous Second Life mansion party, claimed the entire thing was ‘AI-generated slander.’

‘All I know is, one day Epstein was trending below the fold and the next he owned every top result for “cool science party,”’ said Google co-founder Sergey Brin, denying rumors he’d traded rare RuneScape items for a shot at the private island. Donald Trump also weighed in, noting, ‘I never met Epstein’s Minecraft avatar, but many people are saying he had the best sheep farm. Tremendous.’

DOJ spokesperson Linda Redact affirmed that thousands of emails remain unreleased, citing ‘ongoing investigations and the extreme difficulty of finding a USB drive that isn’t full of Dungeons & Dragons character sheets.’ Meanwhile, the public eagerly awaits the next leak, rumored to contain an AOL Instant Messenger transcript titled ‘Epstein’s Science Bros Group Chat.’