WASHINGTON—Responding to mounting public pressure, the Department of Justice on Saturday released several thousand pages of Jeffrey Epstein files, described by officials as “the absolute pinnacle of transparency one can achieve with a sub-$3 Office Depot marker.” The documents, though allegedly containing names, dates, and lurid details, appear to be rendered in a style legal experts refer to as ‘avant-garde blackout poetry.’

In an official statement, Acting Deputy Undersecretary of Concealment Martha Reddam assured citizens, “Every American deserves the truth, which is why we’ve provided a generous 17 words across 10,000 pages.” She noted that the files include essential evidence such as a partially visible book titled ‘Massage For Dummies,’ which Epstein reportedly once gifted to ‘Redacted.’

Political observers noted the release heavily featured margin doodles of Bill Clinton and a single photonegative of Prince Andrew’s left ear, while documents referencing Donald Trump appeared “lost in the mail.” Sources confirm the phrase ‘Trump? Never heard of him’ was found scrawled in pink crayon on page 892.

‘I appreciate the DOJ’s commitment to accountability,’ said Julian Smog, founder of Citizens for Empty Gestures. ‘Thanks to these files, I now know Epstein owned a Sharpie and an unhealthy quantity of printer paper.’

Civil liberties advocate Luanne Defer added, ‘I look forward to next month’s release, which I hope will be a pile of ashes and a Post-It note reading, ‘Trust Us’.’

DOJ officials have hinted at a forthcoming interactive supplement, promising, ‘If you can guess who’s behind the black rectangles, you win a government cheese wheel.’