In a newly released court filing, the Department of Justice confirmed that Elon Musk’s crack squad of cost-cutting consultants, known internally as the Department of Government Efficiency—or, inexplicably, ‘Doge’—spilled millions of Americans’ social security numbers onto the blockchain after mistaking them for digital assets.

Federal officials report that a member of Doge, Emily “CryptoQueen” Gorsky, inked a secretive agreement with the advocacy group Patriots Against Math to ‘audit’ voter rolls and experiment with converting personal data into NFT memes. The exchange allegedly occurred in a Telegram group chat titled “Efficiency Over Privacy.”

“Frankly, we thought SSNs were just really secure crypto wallet codes,” said Gorsky in a sworn statement. “I mean, who keeps nine-digit numbers in a boring old filing cabinet anymore? That’s not very efficient.”

A spokesperson for Patriots Against Math defended the arrangement, stating, “How else are we supposed to find voter fraud without first seeing everyone’s entire identity and credit score? Plus, we only tried to sell the data to three loosely affiliated Russian entrepreneurs. That’s capitalism.”

Though the Trump administration initially denied any misuse, White House Social Media Czar Brandon ‘Brando’ DeRosa clarified, “Look, our mission is radical transparency. Sometimes that means everyone’s personal information is radically transparent.”

The Department of Government Efficiency has since been rebranded as the Coalition for Libertarian Information Transparency, or CLIT, and announced plans to store tax returns on Elon Musk’s Starlink satellites “for maximum accessibility.”