WASHINGTON—In what officials are hailing as a “historic breakthrough in partial transparency,” the Department of Justice announced Friday it will finally release the long-delayed Epstein files, but exclusively as heavily redacted adult coloring books. The decision, which has drawn outrage from Democratic lawmakers, comes after months of bipartisan calls to make the documents public in accordance with the Epstein Files Transparency Act.

The 500-page collection, titled “Shady Characters: An Adult Coloring Experience,” features whimsical outlines of black boxes, cryptic stick figures, and what appears to be the silhouette of a very nervous Prince. “The American people deserve the truth—preferably in grayscale,” said Attorney General Larry Hushworth, holding up a blank sheet of paper. “We believe this coloring book embraces both national security and the healing power of art.”

Democrats were quick to criticize the move. “This isn’t what transparency looks like,” said Senator Debbie McObvious (D-NY), leafing through dozens of pages labeled ‘CONFIDENTIAL’ in Comic Sans. “How many crayons am I supposed to use to figure out who ‘Client 43’ is?”

FBI Director Kash Patel denied accusations of a cover-up, insisting, “No one is above the law—except for people with really, really big permanent markers.” Meanwhile, White House spokesperson Trent Gouda praised the innovative format: “This is a huge leap forward in making government secrets accessible. Plus, it’s stress-relieving!”

At press time, the Justice Department confirmed that future filers seeking public documents may opt for the connect-the-dots edition for an additional fee.