BRUSSELS — After the European Union’s much-hyped plan to magically turn frozen Russian assets into an unlimited ATM for Ukraine fizzled harder than a month-old bottle of sparkling water, leaders triumphantly agreed Thursday to simply hand Kyiv a $105 billion loan and hope for the best.

“After considering all our options, such as pawning the Crown Jewels or organizing a pan-European bake sale, we decided to go with the time-honored tradition of borrowing on behalf of 450 million people,” said EU Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, adjusting her monocle. “Rest assured, this loan is backed by a nearly impenetrable wall of bureaucratic paperwork.”

The deal, described by Euro officials as “Plan Z-plus with extra optimism,” will fund Ukraine’s state and military functions for the foreseeable future, or until the next press conference. European finance ministers insist that households will only experience a “mild, invigorating” tax increase, akin to “a brisk walk in a gentle, upward breeze.”

“Frankly, I was hoping we’d just bill it to Russia’s tab,” confided Belgian finance minister Hugo Waffelaert, sipping his fifth espresso of the morning. “But apparently you can’t pay for tanks with wishful thinking and frozen vodka bottles.”

Meanwhile, EU Budget Secretary Janine LePort explained the rationale: “Letting Ukraine default would be bad. Giving them money is good. We chose the latter after hours of deliberation and one round of karaoke.”

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy expressed gratitude, tweeting, “Thanks EU! If you could also send snacks and a Netflix password, we’d really appreciate it.”