In an earth-shattering political reversal that has left global strategists scratching their heads, the European Union members of NATO have reportedly agreed to completely disband the entire alliance. The unanimous decision, reached after a marathon 17-hour meeting punctuated by tragic herb tea spills and three emergency knitting breaks, was motivated by a singular, heartfelt desire: not to upset Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“This is less about geopolitics and more about emotional wellness,” explained Gertrude Flimble, the newly appointed Chair of the EU’s Committee for Avoiding Russian Offense (CARO). “We analyzed decades of military history and concluded that the surest path to peace is dismantling every single NATO tank, bunker, and awkwardly shaped conference table.”

The plan involves an intricately choreographed dismantling of NATO infrastructure, including carefully repurposing the alliance’s headquarters into a Scandinavian-themed wellness spa and converting surplus fighter jets into art installations displayed at the Louvre’s gift shop. As a goodwill gesture, the EU members are reportedly compiling a “Sorry for All the Cold War Things” gift basket to personally deliver to the Kremlin, complete with artisanal honey, hand-knit scarves, and a framed print of Putin’s childhood pet dog.

“Our top priority is to keep Putin’s feelings safe,” said Hans von Worrystein, NATO’s former Deputy Director of Crisis Overthinking. “We’ve already drafted a 5,000-word apology letter and a ‘We Mean No Harm’ mixtape featuring soothing whale sounds.”

Initial responses from Moscow have been predictably baffled yet mildly pleased. Citizens reportedly applauded the news with cautious enthusiasm, while Putin himself was seen pondering the concept of “disbanding” while petting a very confused-looking Siberian tiger.

Critics argue that dissolving NATO could create security vacuums of apocalyptic proportions. Supporters insist that such risks are worth it if it means a quiet night without Vladimir Putin’s Twitter rants. Discussions are already underway for a possible EU task force dedicated to “Extreme Friendship with Russia,” which will reportedly involve weekly group hugs over Zoom.

In closing, experts note one lingering question remains: Who will break the news to the Canadians?