BRUSSELS—In an unprecedented show of continental unity and the unwavering resolve achievable only in a climate-controlled conference room, European Commissioner Stéphane Séjourné declared Tuesday that “any threat against a member state is a threat against the entire European Union.” The announcement follows former U.S. President Donald Trump’s warning to cut off all trade with Spain, a move experts say could result in a catastrophic surplus of Manchego cheese and castanets.

At an emergency summit, Séjourné assured Spaniards that “a brigade of over 400 EU bureaucrats has already been assembled, each equipped with an official EU letter opener and a Google Translate subscription.”

Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez responded with a defiant speech outside Madrid’s Museo del Jamón, stating, “Europe will not be bullied by a man whose only successful wall was around a Mar-a-Lago buffet.”

Germany’s Foreign Minister Annegret Sauer issued an equally firm statement: “We are prepared to deploy strongly worded emails at a moment’s notice. I have personally updated my spam filter to catch all incoming correspondence from Mar-a-Lago.”

Meanwhile, Sophie Lefebvre, a recently promoted Assistant to the Deputy Undersecretary of Multilateral Affairs, warned that “if Trump escalates further, we may be forced to send an even longer letter. With attachments.”

In related news, French President Emmanuel Macron offered Spain the use of five surplus diplomats and a signed photo of himself riding a bicycle ‘to boost morale.’