BRUSSELS—In response to the White House’s newly published doctrine describing Europe as both “decaying” and “in need of a strong, gold-plated handshake,” European leaders have unanimously agreed to install continent-wide Trump Warning Sirens, officials announced Tuesday.

The system, modeled after Cold War nuclear alerts, will blare “You’re Fired!” at maximum volume should former president Donald Trump enter any European airspace, or should Fox News exceed 40% market share in Germany. Citizens are urged to practice monthly ‘duck and cover’ drills, hiding under their IKEA furniture until the all-clear is sounded by Emmanuel Macron personally waving a white flag out the Élysée Palace window.

“We can no longer ignore the threat of sudden, unsolicited trade advice,” said EU Security Commissioner Jutta Schnitzelhausen. “Yesterday, my own cousin accidentally said ‘Make Europe Great Again’ and now he’s missing.”

A new poll by Le Grand Continent found 47% of Europeans believe Trump is actively plotting to replace the Euro with casino tokens, while 18% fear he might try to redecorate the Brandenburg Gate in marble and neon.

Anxious citizens have responded in kind. “I’ve begun storing canned prosecco and practicing my pouty face,” said Milan resident Gioia Balestrieri. “If he comes, I’ll be ready to negotiate my way into his reality show.”

As Brussels contemplates building a physical wall around the EU, Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán clarified that he supports the plan, provided it keeps out both Trump and anyone carrying kale.