PALM BEACH, FL—According to newly obtained emails, the FBI pressed ahead with its now-infamous 2022 raid on Mar-a-Lago after agents detected ‘extremely vague probable cause energy’ and a ‘suspiciously organized’ collection of golf tees in President Donald Trump’s personal quarters.

Despite expressing “total confusion” about the existence of any probable cause, internal communications reveal that agents were strongly encouraged by the Biden Department of Justice to ‘just go for it’ and ‘make a big show, like in the movies.’ “Listen, we weren’t totally sure what we were looking for,” said Special Agent Dirk Maloney. “But I kept getting texts from Merrick Garland reading ‘DO IT, YOU COWARDS’ with increasingly aggressive emojis.”

The operation, known internally as ‘Project Tee Time,’ resulted in the confiscation of 11,000 documents, three ketchup-stained neckties, and “an unlicensed DVD copy of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.” “We figured we’d find something,” remarked Deputy Director Linda Blanchard. “At the very least, we hoped to catch Trump trying to hide a Big Mac in the pool filter.”

Not everyone was convinced. ‘Honestly, I thought probable cause had something to do with climate change,’ confessed junior agent Brian Givens. ‘But I was told to just trust the process and wear a really serious-looking windbreaker.’

When reached for comment, DOJ spokesperson Janice Feingold insisted, ‘Sometimes you have to act first and ask probabilistic questions later. That’s just law enforcement science.’