ZURICH — In a move widely praised by absolutely no one, FIFA unveiled its new ‘Global Peace Through Soccer and Occasional Bribery Prize,’ with selection oversight entrusted to U Hla Tun, a Myanmar tycoon best known for his thriving partnership with the military junta and for once volunteering at a meditation retreat until lunch.

The inaugural award, seemingly tailored for former U.S. president Donald Trump—who insiders say ‘just looked like he could use a trophy’—was hurriedly announced days before FIFA president Gianni Infantino’s artfully staged meeting with Trump in Miami.

“We’re delighted to show the world that peace isn’t just for Nobel laureates, but also for people who own multiple offshore accounts,” Infantino told reporters while standing next to a life-sized chocolate bust of himself. “Mr. U Hla Tun’s decades of experience helping governments unite people, admittedly sometimes at gunpoint, make him the perfect chairman for our Peace Prize Selection Friendship Committee.”

FIFA spokespeople added that future winners will be selected using a patented ‘Wheel of Fortune’ mechanism, ensuring both transparency and ‘a fun, interactive element for sponsors.’

Tun, reached for comment at his beachside bunker, responded: “I’ve always believed peace can be achieved—ideally if you define it as ‘absence of civil unrest while I’m vacationing.’ Regardless, we are committed to fairly considering anyone who Venmos us first.”

Trump, upon hearing of his likely win, reportedly tweeted: “Finally, a peace prize based on real results, like getting two national teams to agree to stop kneecapping each other for five minutes. Great job FIFA!”