ZÜRICH — With only 182 days left before the largest FIFA World Cup in history, organizers confirmed Wednesday that the 2026 tournament will feature 643 teams, including every recognized country, territory, semi-autonomous region, and twelve highly competitive cul-de-sacs from suburban Minneapolis.

“Our vision was simple: to make the World Cup accessible to absolutely anyone with a pair of cleats and a dream,” said FIFA President Gianni Infantino, while holding a color-coded, 6,000-page tournament bracket. “This is about inclusivity, and also desperately trying to break the record for longest penalty shootout.”

Among this year’s group stage matchups will be Texas vs. Taiwan, the Vatican City Clergy vs. Team Netflix Password Sharers, and a much-anticipated showdown between the French Provence-Alpes-Côte d’Azur region and the North Dakota State Parks Department. FIFA has assured nervous fans that the entire event will only last 11 months, with games played simultaneously in North America, the metaverse, and select IKEA parking lots.

“I was surprised when I got the call,” admitted Linda Mertens, captain of the Edgemont Drive Softball Moms United. “But we already had matching shirts, so why not? Our goalie has a wicked slap shot, I think.”

Skeptics worry about logistics, citing the need for 18,000 referees, 24 billion gallons of Gatorade, and enough hotel rooms to accommodate the combined population of Indonesia and Canada. FIFA, however, remains unfazed. “Look, if we can get through Qatar, we can schedule round robin matches between Djibouti U-16 and the Seattle Book Club,” said scheduling official Boris Zang.

Tickets are now available, with prices ranging from $350 for nosebleed seats to $8.99 for a livestream subscription and a commemorative lanyard.