ZÜRICH—Responding to concerns over escalating cartel violence across Mexico, FIFA President Gianni Infantino on Thursday reassured the world that the nation’s role as co-host for the 2026 World Cup remains secure, promising that “all planned shootouts will be pre-approved and scheduled during halftime for maximum enjoyment.”

“We at FIFA have absolute faith in Mexico’s ability to host the world, and any gunfire heard during matches will only be part of our newly-enhanced matchday experience for fans,” Infantino said, flanked by a mariachi band, several armored SUVs, and a handful of visibly nervous officials from the Mexican Football Federation. “Who wouldn’t want to enjoy world-class soccer with a dash of authentic local flavor—by which I mean fireworks, and definitely not grenades.”

Mexican security official Esteban Chavez echoed Infantino’s optimism. “We promise players will have a safe, unforgettable experience. We’ve already briefed them on how to execute celebratory dives into reinforced bunkers,” Chavez stated, adding, “Sure, the ‘El Clásico de Culiacán’ might include a few more red cards than usual, but we trust the referees’ bulletproof vests will hold.”

Local fan and hopeful ticket-buyer Lupita Sánchez expressed excitement about the tournament. “Where else can you see the world’s best players, and also be carjacked by someone with such passion? It’s the full Mexican immersive experience!”

FIFA further assured that VIP packages will now include optional kidnapping insurance and a complimentary ‘How to Navigate Hostage Negotiations’ booklet, as part of their commitment to safety.