In a landmark move to promote global harmony and a healthy respect for unchecked power, FIFA announced the creation of its inaugural Peace Prize last week, immediately placing the selection process in the gifted hands of U Zaw Lin Htut, internationally recognized for his commitment to collaboration between military juntas and offshore banking.

The FIFA Peace Prize, described as “the Ballon d’Or for non-interference and strategic reconciliation,” will be awarded annually to individuals who best exemplify unity, peace, and a robust disregard for subpoenas. Insiders report that the committee strongly considered Vladimir Putin for the chairmanship, but ultimately chose Htut after discovering he could “transfer funds and transcend borders” in a single bound.

“We wanted someone with a proven track record of getting disparate groups to agree on one thing: his continued involvement,” said FIFA president Gianni Infantino, while unveiling a 7-foot gold-plated trophy modeled after a handshake encasing a numbered bank account.

Donald Trump, widely rumored to be the first recipient, praised the process. “Frankly, FIFA has always recognized talent. Tremendous peace. No wars at my golf courses. Not a one. So, thanks to the Myanmar guy—I love Myanmar, big league peace folks, terrific uniforms,” said Mr. Trump via Truth Social.

Committee member Svetlana Kukushkina explained, “We believe only a select group truly understands the art of peaceful negotiation: those who have survived three coups, six indictments, and brunch at Mar-a-Lago.”

FIFA also confirmed the awards ceremony will be held in international waters for “maximum neutrality and banking convenience.”