SYDNEY — In a groundbreaking consensus, financial markets have achieved total certainty that the Reserve Bank of Australia will finally hike interest rates in 2026, instantly shattering the optimism of anyone planning on ever affording a home—or enjoying a nice brunch—in the next two years.

This comes after the release of “unwelcome” inflation data, an economic phenomenon previously described by RBA Deputy Governor Sharon Croker as “that awkward moment when you realize your avocado toast just cost you the deposit for a modest studio.” While markets two weeks ago were torn between rate hike fears and rate cut fantasies, analysts now report an unshakable unity on the 2026 doomsday scenario. “We’re 100% sure now,” said senior Westpac analyst Blake Finster, “which, in finance, is basically like finding a four-leaf clover made out of pure anxiety.”

The news has already impacted the property market. Real estate agent Maddie Carruthers told reporters, “I had twelve investors on the phone this morning, all trying to sell their sixth apartment before the RBA ruins their capital gains. One even tried to swap me three NFTs and a 1999 Camry for a beach shack.”

Mortgage holder and part-time astrologer Kevin Tan expressed dismay. “I just bought a 1-bedroom for $1.2 million and RBA says rates might rise—in two years? I can’t plan that far ahead. I don’t even know what I’m having for dinner.”

RBA Governor Philip Lowe released a statement assuring Australians that future rate hikes would be “as gentle as ripping off a Band-Aid that’s been glued on with concrete.” He encouraged citizens to keep calm, budget wisely, and “enjoy these last few years of record-low rates, because after that, it’s every homeowner for themselves.”