As former President Donald Trump continues his hardline stance on immigration, ex-US Marine and noted tactical expert Janessa Goldbeck has emerged as the nation’s leading authority on how to survive when your city is under siege by federal agents who do CrossFit. Now, as the executive director of the Vet Voice Foundation, Goldbeck has spearheaded Operation Neighborhood Watchtower, a plan involving emergency supplies of camo face paint, surplus MREs, and a vast network of tactically-deployed clipboards for rapid petition deployment.

“When Trump started hinting at sending troops into cities, I knew the time to draw up color-coded evacuation routes for dog parks had come,” said Goldbeck, who famously consulted on the documentary ‘Red Dawn 2: Suburban Edition.’ “We’ve trained dozens of local leaders to discern between a National Guardsman and a particularly muscular UPS driver.”

Local official Trudy Hemsworth praised the Foundation’s efforts. “Thanks to Janessa, my neighborhood can mobilize in under three minutes—two if we’re incentivized with gluten-free donuts,” Hemsworth said, clutching a laminated sheet labeled ‘What To Do When You Spot a Humvee.’

Critics, however, say the response is excessive. “I live in a gated community, and the only time I’ve seen a tank was at my nephew’s birthday party,” said resident Carl Munson, who was later seen sandbagging his koi pond ‘just in case.’

Goldbeck remains undeterred, recently launching a 24-hour hotline for reporting suspicious troop formations, malfunctioning leaf blowers, and federal agents disguised as Amazon drivers.