Kyiv—Reed Hastings, former Netflix CEO and noted binge-watcher benefactor, announced Tuesday that he’s donated $5 million to Ukrainian frontline medics, on the strict condition that the war be wrapped up with a satisfying narrative arc and minimal filler content.

“I just don’t want this conflict to drag on for too many seasons, you know? Ideally, we land at a tight 8-episode miniseries. Cliffhangers are fine, but not endless plotlines,” said Hastings, addressing Ukrainian President Zelenskyy in a Zoom call with a background suspiciously resembling the set from ‘Stranger Things.’

The $5 million will fund the White Stork charity’s anti-drone jamming tech, trauma kits, and, according to insiders, pitch meetings for an exclusive docudrama titled ‘Squid War.’ “We’re grateful for Mr. Hastings’ support, and agree that the war will test best as a limited series,” said Svitlana Morozov, a spokesperson for White Stork. “Although we did have notes about the pacing in season three.”

Netflix has denied speculation that Ukraine is being considered for a ‘skip intro’ button. “While we appreciate Mr. Hastings’ creative input, real-life events are not subject to the Netflix algorithm. Yet,” said company spokesperson Chad Ripley.

Meanwhile, critics fear the move could set a dangerous precedent. “Are we going to see more billionaires trying to resolve global crises in time for award season? What happens when Jeff Bezos insists on ‘same-day peace deliveries’?” wondered Polish TV analyst Olga Bielawska.