In a bold step towards the post-truth future, Google announced this week that it will be experimentally replacing news headlines with the most confident-sounding nonsense its AI can hallucinate, beginning with statements like: “BG3 Players Exploit Children” and “Qi2 Slows Older Pixels, Offends Newborns.”

Users of Google Discover can now enjoy their evening doom-scroll featuring AI-generated headlines entirely untethered from reality, fact-checking, or, occasionally, the news article beneath them. “Engagement was up 12% after we replaced ‘Senate Passes Budget Bill’ with ‘Senate Launches Budget Rocket to Mars,'” said Google Product Manager Trisha Reynolds, who now double-checks every headline for the requisite number of exclamation marks.

Other new AI headlines in testing include “Origami Model Wins Nobel Peace Prize,” “Hyundai, Kia Gain Superpowers,” and the heartwarming “Household Dust Now Billion-Dollar Industry.” Several users expressed cautious optimism. “I never knew I wanted to read about penguins running for office until Google told me it happened,” said avid news consumer Kip Dalrymple, scrolling through his Samsung Galaxy S23 with a sense of existential uncertainty.

Google AI Lead Dev Suresh Patel defended the rollout. “Let’s be honest, most people don’t read past the headline anyway. Why not spice it up?” Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the National Association of News Editors quietly wept into a stack of press releases, noting, “It’s going to be tough competing with a robot that thinks ‘Local Man Discovers Existence’ is breaking news.”

Google advised users to “expect fluid realities and enjoyable disorientation” as headline accuracy is gamified and optimized for maximum engagement points.