In a bold step toward total self-optimization, Google has unveiled its new Fitbit Premium Ultra Max, a device that not only tracks your heart rate and sleep cycles, but also gently admonishes you for skipping leg day and spending 47 continuous minutes doomscrolling on the toilet.

“We’re proud to announce that your Fitbit will now gently vibrate every time you have an impure thought or consider eating pie,” said Google Wearables Division spokesperson Carissa Tart. “Our new AI-powered wellness coach, Gemini, uses advanced algorithms to monitor your physical activity and psychological failings alike. It’s like having a personal trainer and disapproving grandmother on your wrist!”

The 2024 update comes after a turbulent year. Following the departure of Fitbit co-founders and the layoff of 1,000 Google employees, the company has pivoted to what experts call a “full Googlefication blitz.” Users will soon be required to log in with 14 different Google accounts just to check their steps, while the cherished Fitbit community features have been replaced with targeted ads for gluten-free protein powder and AI-generated inspirational quotes from Mark Zuckerberg.

Fitbit enthusiast Danny Pulsar, who has worn a tracker since 2014, reports, “The new Pixel Watch 4 can now track my dreams—last night it told me I was failing to achieve REM sleep and my career goals. I love having constant, gentle reminders of my mediocrity. Plus, the battery lasts almost 38 hours unless you dare to look at the screen.”

Google also assures parents the new Ace LTE for kids lets families monitor their children’s step counts and existential dread in real time. “My 8-year-old can now text me passive-aggressive reminders to pack healthier lunches,” said proud mom Janet Vibe.

Preorders for the Premium Ultra Max now open exclusively through Google, Amazon, Best Buy, and at your local confession booth.