MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In a move described by experts as “either an act of charity or a sign of desperation,” Google has slashed the price of its flagship Pixel 10 to $599, finally admitting that the phone’s true value all along was the satisfying glow of its blue notification LEDs.

“After years of market research, we realized users just want something shiny and vaguely artificial in their hands,” explained Pixel Product Director Nathaniel Quartz, gesturing to a table covered in gently pulsating devices. “For $599, you can finally own a slab of glass that emits the maximum legal amount of dopamine.”

The discounted Pixel 10 boasts a 6.3-inch OLED display, a 120Hz refresh rate for frantically scrolling photos of things you’ll never afford, the Tensor G5 chip for running AI that reminds you how unproductive you are, and a physical SIM slot for those who still like to live dangerously. “It’s like a Pixel 10A, but it lets you pretend you’re a tech influencer,” said longtime Android enthusiast Kyle von Tilde, who has already purchased four. “Plus, the Canadian version comes pre-installed with an app that apologizes whenever you drop it.”

Tech reviewer and certified screen tapper Melody Pasternak raved about the new model: “The extra $200 buys a telephoto lens that zooms right into your existential dread. It’s revolutionary.”

In an effort to sweeten the deal, Google is offering a 12GB RAM option, allegedly so users can ‘multitask between deleting spam emails and accidentally sending their boss memes.’ Pre-orders come with a complimentary pair of sunglasses to protect eyes from the blinding, feature-rich glow.

Woot! confirmed the deal runs through March 6, or until every adult in North America has one—whichever comes first.