MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—In a move that can only be described as ‘inevitably logical,’ Google announced Thursday the official launch of its Chromebook Cradle to Grave™ Loyalty Program, confirming long-rumored plans to nurture lifelong brand allegiance by issuing Chromebooks to children as young as preschoolers. The internal strategy, first revealed via a heavily-redacted presentation charmingly titled ‘Onboarding Toddlers: From Sandbox to Sandboxed Browser,’ includes initiatives such as Baby’s First Gmail and Sippy Cup Sync.

‘We just want kids to feel the joy of product dependency from their earliest memories,’ said Sujay Patel, Senior VP of Adorable Demographics, demonstrating a Chromebook engraved with the phrase “Property of Google – Please Do Not Think Critically.” ‘Studies show that if we get them hooked on Google Docs before they can spell, they’ll never even know what a PDF is. That’s just science.’

Under the program, students earn ‘Loyalty Bytes’ for every assignment completed using Google products, which can be redeemed for exclusive digital stickers or even a coveted Chrome-branded graduation cap. Teachers are encouraged to ‘gamify submission compliance’ and report non-compliant students to the Google Sentinel Monitoring Network, a fun, interactive disciplinary team.

Google spokesperson Ivy Trenton assured parents that Chromebooks are ‘technically not addictive, just necessary for participation in the modern classroom, workforce, and broader reality.’ Meanwhile, 6th grader Lila Jefferson praised the initiative, noting, ‘I don’t remember how to hold a pencil, but I do know how to enable two-factor authentication.’

The program will roll out this fall, with Google promising options for students who mistakenly express interest in Apple devices, including a 30-day reeducation video series titled ‘Think Different About Thinking Different.’