WASHINGTON—After years of demanding the total release of Jeffrey Epstein’s secret files, senior Republican leaders have clarified that they meant, quote, “full transparency, but with fun fonts and significant redactions involving rainbows, dolphins, and the word ‘Democrat’ wherever it appears.”

Former Trump advisor Rudy Giuliani, speaking from what appeared to be inside a utility closet, explained, “The American people deserve to know everything about the Epstein case, as long as it damages the right people and not, you know… any golfing buddies. Frankly, we’re talking about full disclosure, but with selective vision. Sort of like how I approach stop signs.”

Meanwhile, Rep. Matt Gaetz introduced the Redactive Justice Act, which would require all mentions of ‘prominent individuals’ to be replaced with the phrase ‘someone totally not connected to this party, wink wink’. “Sunlight is the best disinfectant, unless it’s shining on our side,” Gaetz declared, sipping a cocktail from a novelty flask shaped like Mar-a-Lago.

Despite previous months of MAGA outrage and QAnon hashtags, the new position has confused some base supporters. “I was told the Epstein files would reveal all the lizard people. Now they’re saying it’s just grocery lists and censored selfies with Bill Barr,” complained self-described ‘Patriot Investigator’ Chad McFlaggerty, 39, of Tulsa.

When asked for comment, Speaker Mike Johnson assured reporters, “We’re still for full disclosure—just not the kind that accidentally exposes any of our donors, golf partners, or regulars at the Red Hen Diner in Palm Beach. There’s a time for bravery, and a time for creative blackout markers.”