In a feat of logistical wizardry unmatched since the Magi misread a star map, experts at GiftGiverz.com have confirmed that 30 entirely adequate gifts are still available, on sale, and ready to be hurled onto your doorstep moments before Santa even finishes his nightcap. Brands across the spectrum, from CMF Buds 2A earbuds ($19.99 and already tangled in the box) to the iPad (2025) for the relative you kind of like, are ensuring that you can purchase generic love in time to avoid uncomfortable eye contact at brunch.

“Just last year, my teenage son unwrapped a Walgreens Best Dad mug filled with gravel,” reports Gladys Hammerstein, 42, of Peoria. “This year, thanks to expedited shipping, he’ll enjoy the Beats Solo 4 in confusion-inducing ‘Arctic Mustard,’ and our relationship will remain functionally unexamined.”

Retailers like Amazon and Best Buy are reportedly offering two-hour delivery windows, promising that shoppers can procrastinate until the ghost of Christmas Past threatens legal action. “I plan on finishing all my Christmas shopping on Christmas,” said Jack Pressley, freelance uncle and accidental gamer. “My niece will have her Kindle Paperwhite minutes before she discovers TikTok again.”

Technology analyst Burt Flannel insists this is the future. “Why bother bonding with loved ones when you can bond with their inbox tracking numbers?” he mused, clutching a Petcube Fountain and a deep sense of consumerist ennui.

While experts warn that some gifts, like the enigmatic Hoto PixelDrive electric screwdriver, may induce existential dread in recipients, last-minute shoppers say this is a small price to pay for the warm glow of on-time transactional affection.