Big Daddy's Truth Factory

Hollywood Promises ‘Groundbreaking’ Asian Representation by Casting White Guy with Black Wig in Next Marvel Film

LOS ANGELES — In a move hailed by executives as “revolutionary” but described by others as “f—ing appalling,” Marvel Studios announced Monday their plan to highlight Asian representation in its upcoming superhero blockbuster by casting veteran actor Chad Griffin, a white man from Idaho, in the lead role of Master Kung-Fu Warrior Lee.

“We did extensive research and determined Chad really embodies the Asian-American experience, especially after his two-day sushi-making workshop and recent fortune cookie collection,” said Marvel casting director Mindy Blistle. “It’s all about bringing authenticity to the screen, and Chad’s haircut is a game-changer.”

Marvel star Simu Liu, fresh off his own recent success, blasted the decision as a sign of “Hollywood’s deeply prejudiced backslide.” In response, studio executives issued a statement touting their “commitment to diversity” by promising to have Griffin watch at least three Jackie Chan movies and “learn how to use chopsticks convincingly.”

“I’m honored to take this role on behalf of all Asian Americans, who I hear are really into Marvel,” said Griffin, adjusting his synthetic black wig. “I hope to do their culture justice, or at least not forget my lines during the fight scenes.”

Industry analyst Pearl Lee noted, “Asian actors are only considered a financial risk if you completely ignore all evidence to the contrary, which is an essential part of the Hollywood business model.”

As part of the rollout, Marvel has also promised a “diverse” soundtrack, including a solo recorder performance of “Turning Japanese,” and a cameo from the white guy who played The Ancient One in Doctor Strange.

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Buck Mulligan

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