NEW YORK — In a bold move reimagining their entire mission, Human Rights Watch announced Wednesday that it is temporarily suspending all human rights until further notice, pending a lengthy review to determine whether controversial topics still exist or simply resolve themselves if ignored long enough.

This development follows the sudden resignation of Omar Shakir and Milena Ansari, HRW’s entire Israel and Palestine division, after their report on Palestinian right of return was quietly placed in an existential holding pattern. HRW spokesperson Linda Seldom acknowledged the move, stating, “Some reports are so sensitive that we prefer never to see them. We find justice works best in a hypothetical safe space.”

The blocked report, which alleges that denying Palestinian refugees the right of return constitutes a crime against humanity, will now undergo what HRW calls its “Delicate Issues Quarantine Protocol.” Sources inside HRW confirm this process involves passing the document from inbox to inbox until it is entirely forgotten or becomes historical trivia.

“We believe in standing up for human rights everywhere, as long as everywhere is not especially contentious,” explained HRW Vice President Chad Goodman. “Our core principle is demanding accountability, except when someone important might notice.”

Meanwhile, HRW has announced exciting new research initiatives, including a comprehensive survey entitled, “Are Human Rights Even A Thing?” and a refresher training called “How To File Reports In The Circular Filing Cabinet.”

“We’re proud to break new ground in rights-based procrastination,” said HRW Head of Inaction, Marsha Treadmill. “We aspire to one day defend human rights—just maybe not any actual ones.”