MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Heroic ICE agents valiantly protected themselves from a critically acclaimed ICU nurse Tuesday by opening fire, citing their inability to interpret his dangerously compassionate gaze as anything but a deadly assault.

“We have reviewed the bodycam footage, and it’s clear that Mr. Pretti’s hands were empty, but his intention—judging by the intense kindness radiating from his eyes—was extremely aggressive,” said Assistant Undersecretary Kip Hardwell, responding to mounting calls for an investigation into the shooting. “Our agents feared for their safety in the presence of such overt humanity.”

Friends and colleagues of Alex Pretti, renowned throughout the VA hospital for distributing comfort blankets and top-tier pudding cups, struggled to contain their disgust. “It’s sickening. Alex’s most malicious act was correcting someone’s pronunciation of ‘quinoa,’” said hospital custodian Tina Glebe. “Unless being a nice person is now a capital offense.”

ICE spokesperson Chad Dunbar, wearing tactical sunglasses indoors, doubled down: “We’re trained to detect threats, and that nurse was like the John Wick of empathy. Have you ever seen anyone help that many veterans without snapping? Frankly, it’s suspicious.”

Family members, meanwhile, say the administration’s claims are pure fiction. “Unless giving out free flu shots is an attack, your agents have issues,” said Pretti’s mother, Eleanor Pretti. “If kindness is a crime, then Alex is guilty as charged.”

White House Press Secretary Megan Flatherty confirmed the incident was under review, assuring reporters that all future ICE agents would receive additional training to resist the allure of basic human decency.