In a stunning move celebrated by content moderation bots everywhere, the first-person indie horror game ‘Horses’ has been banned preemptively from Steam, Epic Games Store, and Humble — but remains fully available on obscure Polish torrent sites and at the living room desktop of developer Pietro Righi Riva’s grandmother, who says she, ‘doesn’t get what all the fuss is about.’

The game, famously described as ‘The Last of Us’ meets a 4H Club fever dream,’ was pulled from Epic Games Store mere hours before launch, with the company citing policies against ‘hateful or abusive content, or whatever makes the community manager feel icky that day.’ Valve, meanwhile, released a statement explaining, ‘We uphold clear, consistent guidelines that may or may not exist depending on the day of the week.’

When asked for clarification, a Steam spokesperson elaborated: ‘We can’t say exactly why Horses is banned, but let’s just say it’s best if you don’t Google “naked horse mask humans.” Or do. We’re not your parents.’

Humble, for its part, simply removed the game and left a note reading, ‘Oops, all content guidelines,’ taped to the URL.

Despite being exiled from all mainstream stores, Horses has become GOG’s best-selling title, narrowly beating out last year’s hit ‘Depressed Mailman Simulator.’ GOG platform manager Stanislaw Walczak commented, ‘We pride ourselves on giving a home to every orphaned game, so long as it does not literally bite. We haven’t ruled that out either.’

At press time, Santa Ragione announced they have sold three copies of Horses: one to a French YouTuber, one to Riva’s grandmother, and one mistakenly purchased by a Nebraska cattle rancher searching for a breeding simulator.