In a shocking escalation of global feelings, Iran’s Football Federation on Thursday condemned FIFA’s decision to label the upcoming World Cup fixture between Iran and Egypt as an LGBTQ ‘Pride Match’, insisting that if the game must have an emotional context, it be rebranded as a ‘Shame Match’ or, at minimum, a ‘Mildly Uncomfortable Match’ to reflect the national mood.

Federation spokesperson Reza Farzan released a statement: “We beseech FIFA to show respect for our cultural sensitivities and, preferably, to remove all colors from the branding, including green, which we also find a bit much.”

Egyptian manager Mahmoud El-Khatib added, “Frankly, we’d be happy if the theme was just ‘Football Match’. But if we must show our support for something, I’d like to propose a ‘Falafel Awareness Match’. More people need to understand falafel.”

FIFA’s Global Harmony Consultant, Chad McPeck, was unbowed: “We’re excited to see football bring people together—ideally, in at least six different flag colors. We’re also trialing a new halftime show called ‘Love Wins (Unless There’s a Penalty Shootout)’. It’s all about inclusion.”

In a bid for compromise, FIFA reportedly considered a “Feelings-Optional Match” prototype, featuring rainbow armbands made from grayscale yarn. Talks broke down when Iranian officials insisted on a postgame seminar, ‘How to Pretend Rainbows Don’t Exist.’

As tensions mount, FIFA is rumored to be considering an entirely new match branding: ‘Just Please Don’t Yell at Us Match’.