JERUSALEM—Breathing a collective sigh of relief, Israeli officials confirmed this week that the construction of 3,401 new homes in the heart of the West Bank will finally, definitely, absolutely end all pesky talk of a Palestinian state, “for real this time.”

“We’ve been ignoring international law with smaller settlements for decades, but this one really buries it,” explained Israel Land Authority spokesperson Avi Gantz, quietly posting the tender at 3 a.m. between cake recipes on the government website. “If you squint, you’ll see the shape of a giant cement middle finger on the map. It’s not a coincidence.”

The E1 project, strategically located to sever the last dribbles of Palestinian contiguity, has been hailed by officials as a “bold new chapter in the long tradition of pretending peace talks are still a thing.” Architects say the settlement will feature luxury homes, scenic walls, and a “state-of-the-art reality denial center.”

“We’re calling the first street ‘Diplomacy Drive,’ as a kind of inside joke,” chuckled project manager Hannah Goldfarb, handing out free complimentary blindfolds to visiting EU envoys. “Our motto is: Why negotiate, when you can excavate?”

Meanwhile, Palestinian representative Samir Al-Nimr commented, “At this point, we’re just grateful they didn’t name it ‘Hope Killer Estates.’ Small mercies.”

The United States issued its standard warning: “We are deeply concerned,” followed by a firm promise to revisit the issue at the next available leap year.