WASHINGTON, D.C. — Expressing clear discomfort and a lingering sense of existential bewilderment, Trump-appointed Judge Timothy Rutherford on Thursday permanently dismissed the Proud Boys Jan. 6 convictions, citing the shocking discovery that he is, in fact, still bound by the U.S. Constitution.

“Look, I tried everything—squinting at the text, reading between the lines, consulting a parchment-based Ouija board—but Article III just kept getting in the way,” Judge Rutherford said in his ruling, referencing a legal technicality known as ‘the law.’ “Apparently, my powers only go so far. Who knew?”

Despite the judge calling the Capitol riot “a heinous assault on democracy, like Taco Tuesday at a vegan co-op,” he claimed he had no choice but to release the four Proud Boys leaders, all of whom reportedly left court high-fiving with an American flag selfie stick. “We came to see the overthrow of the government, and all we got was this lousy dismissal,” groused defendant Tyler ‘Big Patriot’ Watson, adjusting his novelty Founding Fathers wig.

Legal observers were quick to weigh in on the precedent. “It’s rare to see the Constitution invoked outside of fundraising emails, so this is pretty historic,” said Lila Vasquez, a constitutional law expert who recently bought a whoopee cushion labeled “Checks & Balances” from the Supreme Court gift shop.

Reacting to the judge’s decision, an exhausted bailiff commented, “If the Constitution is going to get in the way every time, we’ll never get anything done around here.”