WASHINGTON — The U.S. Justice Department moved swiftly Tuesday to reassure the public that recently unsealed Jeffrey Epstein files contain no credible accusations against former President Donald Trump, noting that his only involvement appeared to be as a “background Mar-a-Lago towel attendant, possibly unaware of the situation.”

“We reviewed thousands of pages, and the worst thing anyone said about Mr. Trump was that he offered guests off-brand diet cola,” said Acting Deputy Assistant Sub-Sub Attorney General Linda Figgle. “No one deserves to be linked to Epstein just for stocking the cabana with store-brand refreshments.”

According to one 2001 email, Ghislaine Maxwell appeared to request an exercise instructor who was “youngish and attractive, otherwise Mr. Epstein will lose interest rapidly.” The DOJ affirmed that Trump’s only connection was an accidental reply-all when he forwarded a fitness meme featuring the phrase, ‘Flex, but make it business.’

“People are really blowing this out of proportion,” said Maxwell’s former assistant, Tanya ‘Gibby’ Gibson. “I’ve seen more incriminating emails about questionable brunch orders. The man once called a protein shake a ‘hoax.’”

Sources within the DOJ also confirmed the existence of a spreadsheet in which Trump’s name appeared under the column ‘People Who Pronounce Pilates Wrong,’ though officials insist this should not be considered evidence of wrongdoing.

“The DOJ is committed to ensuring that only unsubstantiated rumors with at least three anonymous sources are taken seriously,” said Figgle. “Rest assured, we will defend anyone’s right to serve as a decorative bystander at notorious billionaire parties.”