WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move widely celebrated by marble busts and gold-plated escalator enthusiasts nationwide, the Kennedy Center has reportedly revised its bylaws to allow only Trump-appointed trustees to vote on any proposal to rename the historic institution, according to newly unearthed documents and several bemused custodians.

The bylaw, which legal scholars now refer to as ‘The Covfefe Clause,’ reportedly prohibits all Congressional appointees from voting or even counting towards a quorum on renaming matters. Minutes from a May 2024 meeting show the group debating potential titles like ‘Trump’s Classy House of Arts’ and ‘The Covfefe Concert Hall.’

“This is simply about honoring America’s greatest artist and innovator of the all-caps tweet,” explained trustee Chip Bannon, who was appointed in 2020 after being spotted wearing a MAGA hat to a matinee of Cats. “The Kennedy name? So 1960s. We’re building for the future: gold, mirrors, and lots of really beautiful statues of Trump—each more shirtless than the last.”

Some have questioned the legality of the move. “Well, yes, it’s technically a breach of the charter, but so is playing showtunes on the lobby piano after 10pm—and I do that every night,” shrugged ex-officio board member Brenda McGuffin, who has now been reassigned to ‘lifelong applause’ duty.

In response to criticism, a Kennedy Center spokesperson clarified the new voting policy: “We value every trustee, though some are valued more than others, particularly those who understand the true beauty of gilded foyers.”