WASHINGTON—In a stunning turn of events Thursday, President Donald Trump reportedly demanded the immediate resignation of Kristi Noem for, in the president’s words, “unforgivably allowing things to happen in the real world.”

The firing comes amidst mounting outrage following the deaths of Alex Pretti and Renee Good in Minneapolis, with citizens, lawmakers, and at least one minor TikTok influencer calling for Noem’s removal. Presidential adviser Jim Winks told reporters, “This administration proudly supports zero tolerance for mistakes, accidents, or existence. Kristi failed to exercise the detailed omnipotence we expect from all our officials.”

First Lady Melania Trump called for unity in the wake of the unrest, urging, “Let us hold hands, metaphorically and through the protective screen of our gated communities. Unity means not yelling at each other, especially on weekends.” White House communications intern Chad Munn reflected on the administration’s philosophy: “The president believes strongly that, if something bad happens, we should instantly identify the nearest employee or sidewalk squirrel and publicly dismiss them. That shows accountability.”

A hastily-assembled task force led by Steve from Payroll is currently searching for additional Noems to fire, should public dissatisfaction persist. Meanwhile, border patrol commander Dave Dexler announced his complete relocation from Minneapolis, promising to “command the border from a more convenient distance, like Duluth or possibly a Holiday Inn Express.”