BLANTYRE, MALAWI—Economic activity across Malawi came to a halt this week as thousands of business owners closed shop to protest the country’s new “finders keepers” tax regime, which government officials claim will magically double tax revenue by tripling the number of taxes. The protest, which swept through Blantyre, Lilongwe, Zomba, and Mzuzu, effectively created the nation’s largest impromptu yoga retreat as shopkeepers bonded over their newfound freedom from customers, cash registers, and mandatory receipt printing.

The controversial tax measures, which would require small businesses to declare income, expenses, and the exact number of goats viewed per week, have been delayed after protestors threatened to protest even harder. “When my barber shop is open, I barely make enough for lunch,” said local entrepreneur Blessings Phiri while waving a protest sign shaped like a giant receipt. “But today, I’ve had three naps, two mangoes, and absolute peace. Why would I ever go back?”

Government spokesperson Tiwonge Banda fiercely defended the reforms: “The new taxes are intended to make everyone equally miserable, so it’s only fair. Plus, we’re introducing a ‘breathing air tax’ next fiscal year for citizens who manage to survive these changes.”

Meanwhile, Malawi Revenue Authority official Agnes Mbewe was spotted frantically counting the number of closed doors in Blantyre’s central market. “I’ve never had to do so much paperwork with no money involved,” she sighed. “It’s inspiring.”

Analysts predict that if the success of the protest continues, the entire economy may be paused indefinitely, which experts say would finally give everyone ‘a well-deserved break.’