CHARLOTTE, NC—With the football world on the edge of its seat, former NFL quarterback Matt Hasselbeck emerged from semi-retirement this week to deliver his signature brand of wisdom to Sam Darnold and rookie Drake Maye ahead of their fantasy Super Bowl debuts. Hasselbeck, who once led the Seattle Seahawks to a heartbreaking Super Bowl defeat and an enduring legacy of bland locker-room platitudes, gathered both quarterbacks for a private session at a local Panera Bread.

“First thing’s first: hydrate, but not too much. Nobody wants a Super Bowl decided by a bathroom break in the second quarter,” Hasselbeck advised, sipping a Diet Sprite. “Also, if you win the coin toss, try not to say anything you’ll regret on live TV. Trust me.”

The advice, described by Darnold as “revolutionary,” covered critical topics such as how to spot which Gatorade tub contains the confetti and how to feign listening during halftime shows. “Matt told us to just ‘play regular football, but with, like, more people watching,’” said Maye, feverishly taking notes. “I’d never thought of it that way before.”

Longtime NFL broadcaster Jim Nantz was present to witness the wisdom-sharing. “I’ve covered 35 Super Bowls, but I’ve never seen pure mentorship like this,” he noted. “At one point, Matt warned them: ‘Don’t pick up any mysterious nachos in the locker room. That’s how legends are ruined.’”

Experts expect Darnold and Maye to follow Hasselbeck’s advice carefully, especially his final tip: “When in doubt, just hand the ball off and stare meaningfully into the middle distance. Works every time.”