REDMOND, WA—In a bold move that industry analysts are calling both “visionary” and “deeply concerning,” Microsoft announced Tuesday that longtime Xbox chief Phil Spencer and president Sarah Bond are leaving the company, sparking Microsoft’s transition to 100% decision-making via Magic 8-Ball, Ouija board, and stray comments heard in the break room.

A two-sentence memo from CEO Satya Nadella confirmed the departures, explaining that after nearly 40 years, Spencer finally realized there are other video games besides Halo. “Phil has graciously accepted our offer for early retirement, a matter we discussed after he tried to port Minecraft to Microsoft Excel,” Nadella wrote. “Sarah Bond leaves to pursue her dream of finding an industry less stressful than gaming, such as lion taming or bomb disposal.”

Asha Sharma, Microsoft’s CoreAI president, will assume control as Microsoft Gaming CEO, reportedly after drawing the shortest straw during an emergency LinkedIn poll. “I look forward to continuing Xbox’s tradition of quarterly layoffs, memes, and then buying any company that shows signs of creativity,” said Sharma at her introductory press conference, flanked by a mysterious velvet bag labeled ‘next CEO.’

Meanwhile, outgoing content chief Matt Booty was promoted to “Executive Vice President of All the Fun Stuff,” a position he described as “mostly deleting emails about new Banjo-Kazooie games.”

Investors welcomed the news, with one anonymous analyst saying, “Honestly, I thought Xbox was just a brand of DVD player. This is probably fine.”