In a bold move certain to delight Wall Street and confuse everyone else, Microsoft has appointed Asha Sharma—previously VP of CoreAI and noted Candy Crush non-completer—as the new CEO of its Xbox division. As longtime Xbox head Phil Spencer retires to finally finish Gears of War 3 on Insane difficulty, Sharma brings a fresh perspective, having never actually played a video game outside of that one time her nephew showed her Minecraft ‘which just seemed like digital Legos, honestly.’

“I’m eager to bring disruptive AI innovation to Xbox,” Sharma said in her first memo. “Our new flagship game will automatically generate itself around your mood, credit score, and whether you’re late for a meeting.” She added that the next Xbox hardware will fully integrate Copilot so players can have AI finish boss fights if they’re running behind on laundry.

Insiders say Sharma’s first strategic play is an AI-generated remaster of Halo called ‘Hello,’ featuring procedurally generated Master Chiefs and a multiplayer mode that suggests up to three LinkedIn contacts per kill.

Some fans worry the move spells the end for Xbox. “I’m not saying it’s over, but my Xbox just asked if I wanted to uninstall all games and focus on productivity,” lamented longtime subscriber Derek Moody. Meanwhile, Microsoft CFO Amy Hood reassured investors, saying, “We remain committed to the Xbox brand, or possibly the Xbox brand as a Service, or perhaps just the letter X. It’s very fluid.”

At press time, Sharma was reportedly preparing an inspiring speech for Xbox staff—after first consulting ChatGPT for tips on what motivates ‘gamers.’