In a shocking turn of cinematic events, Netflix has stormed out of its candlelit negotiations to purchase Warner Bros. Discovery, after Paramount crashed the deal, flinging an unwieldy $108.4 billion cash-stuffed suitcase directly onto the conference table, sources confirmed Thursday.

Analysts note this is only the 32nd time this week a major media acquisition has fallen apart due to “inadequate vibes and insufficient billions.” Netflix co-CEO Ted Sarandos, speaking from a yacht made entirely of Emmy statues, explained, “We simply couldn’t justify buying another underperforming superhero franchise unless they threw in a free month of Paramount+ and a ‘Better Call Saul’ Funko Pop.”

Warner Bros. Discovery’s interim Chief Merger Enthusiast Brenda Cramer called the Paramount bid “superior in both money and the promise to air ‘Two and a Half Men’ reruns at every American embassy,” adding, “We’re excited to let our shareholders experience the thrill of being traded like vintage trading cards.”

Sources close to Paramount’s CEO David Ellison claim he sweetened the bid with a personal guarantee from his father, Larry Ellison, who reportedly mumbled, “Fine, but if he asks for DreamWorks back, I’m changing the WiFi password.”

Meanwhile, the Department of Justice expressed concern that the merger might force American households to consolidate streaming passwords, imperiling the nation’s pantry of shared logins. “We remain vigilant,” said DOJ spokesperson Marcia Lentil. “No American should be forced to choose between reruns of ‘Friends’ and new episodes of ‘Yellowstone.’”

While Netflix says it is “100% committed to releasing Warner Bros. films in theaters,” the industry is abuzz with speculation that the next bidder might be Pizza Hut or possibly Taylor Swift after payday.