WASHINGTON—In a rare display of bipartisan affection not witnessed since the K-pop summit of 2018, Democrats, Republicans, and every living former Federal Reserve chair gathered Thursday to form a protective circle around current Fed chief Jerome Powell, who is under criminal investigation for allegedly performing ‘unauthorized monetary sorcery.’

“When you attack Powell, you attack the fragile equilibrium of the U.S. economy, plus my retirement plan,” intoned former Fed chair Alan Greenspan, brandishing a ceremonial abacus. “We must not let the central bank fall into the hands of someone who doesn’t even understand how to pronounce ‘quantitative easing.’”

Senator Thom Tillis, sporting a ‘Team Jerome’ windbreaker, urged the Department of Justice to “cease this dangerous witch hunt and allow Mr. Powell to continue raising and lowering rates at random, as tradition demands.”

Meanwhile, Elizabeth Warren accused the administration of seeking to replace Powell with “a sock puppet that only says ‘more money, please.’ If I wanted ventriloquism, I’d go to the Chuck E. Cheese on Massachusetts Avenue.”

President Trump’s nominee is rumored to be “an Etch-a-Sketch with artificial intelligence grafted from a 1986 calculator.”

“This is not just about one man,” warned former Fed chair Janet Yellen. “It’s about preserving the right of every American to not understand what the Federal Reserve does.”

At press time, Powell was seen clutching a battered copy of ‘Economics for Dummies’ while hiding under his desk from roaming bands of presidential advisors armed with Magic 8 Balls.