AMERICA — Experts confirmed Friday that the country’s collective health is projected to increase by a record 17% following a nationwide run on the Amazfit Active 2 fitness tracker, currently available for the jaw-dropping price of $84.99 at Amazon, Best Buy, and Target. Analysts predict this surge will last precisely 43 minutes before being annihilated by a parallel wave of $11 4K Blu-ray deals and the irresistible force of living room upholstery.

“We’re telling patients to get the Amazfit,” said Dr. Molly Fitzwilliams of the Heartbeat Institute. “It tracks steps, heart rate, blood oxygen, and for a limited time, even futile hopes — all for fifteen bucks off! By lunch, most users should have seen at least 8,000 steps. Or at least checked if the band has a ‘binge mode’ for movie marathons.”

However, the benefits were cut short as Amazon simultaneously dropped its ‘Three Blu-rays For $33’ offer, immediately reversing the health trajectory. “I bought the Active 2, put it on, and then sat down to watch ‘The Thing,’ ‘Scarface,’ and ‘Wicked’ back-to-back,” admitted Ted Morton of Boise. “My tracker thought I died. The only spike it recorded was my cholesterol.”

Meanwhile, excitement built for Anker’s new Nano Charger with a real-time display showing power flow and temperature. “We’re in the golden age of charging,” declared Anker spokesperson Lila Chang. “Our display helps you track exactly how little battery is left after 12 hours of streaming extended Blu-ray extras.”

For those still clinging to fitness goals, retailers suggest wrapping your new Shokz OpenRun Pro headphones around your ears, walking briskly to the kitchen, and then just letting the Nest Learning Thermostat judge your sedentary lifestyle from afar.