In an unprecedented turn of events, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported Tuesday that the nation’s productivity soared 4000% after Google Docs failed to auto-save for nine consecutive minutes, forcing millions of Americans to reluctantly work offline.

“It was terrifying. For nearly a decade, I’ve relied on that little ‘Saving…’ in the corner to do all the heavy lifting,” said software engineer Harper Cole, whose job has largely consisted of waiting for document changes to sync. “I found myself actually typing uninterrupted sentences. I even made a table. Without an update prompt. I think I blacked out.”

The outage began at 10:03am ET and immediately triggered panic in open-plan offices. Witnesses reported shrieking, sporadic attempts to email themselves Word attachments, and—according to one eyewitness—”a spontaneous, company-wide discussion of what a ‘.docx’ even is.”

Google spokesperson Lisa Texton assured users, “We take these productivity surges very seriously. Our team is working round the clock to restore the right balance of sluggish, anxiety-inducing auto-saves and distracting pop-ups. Also, don’t forget to clear your cache, not that it helps.”

“I haven’t worked this hard since the last Wi-Fi outage,” admitted middle manager Derek Buttle. “Frankly, I’m exhausted. I accidentally finished actual work. There’s nothing left to postpone. What do you do when you run out of busywork? I called my wife to ask. She hung up.”

As Google Docs returns to full functionality, experts predict a swift return to normal, with Americans once again able to procrastinate safely under the comforting illusion that their browser is working harder than they are.