SACRAMENTO, CA—California Governor Gavin Newsom declared Thursday night that he would defend the state’s God-given right to regulate artificial intelligence—especially as it pertains to blurry vegan yogurt ads and suspicious kombucha bottle labels—just hours after President Trump signed an executive order preempting state AI laws.

“This is a direct attack on California’s sacred tradition of creating 3,000-page regulations about things most Americans never think about,” Newsom proclaimed from a Tesla-powered pulpit emblazoned with the words ‘Innovate, Don’t Grift.’ “President Trump and his crypto bro, David Sacks, are turning the AI industry into a high-tech three-card monte operation. Next thing you know, ChatGPT will be buying up rent-controlled apartments in San Francisco.”

AI entrepreneur ‘Cyber’ Tyler Greenfeld, who recently launched an “AI for detecting AI in AI-generated startup names” startup, agreed. “We were about to announce our disruptive app, Brevity.AI.AI, which shortens AI mission statements to just the word ‘AI,’ but Trump’s order might make it illegal to pivot to blockchain halfway through our pitch deck.”

White House press secretary Candi R. Toon defended the order, insisting, “Californians can still regulate anything they want, as long as it’s not AI, cars, energy, or affordable guacamole. That’s called federalism.”

Meanwhile, Senator Alex Padilla has introduced a counter-bill mandating all AI-generated texts in California begin with a trigger warning, an avocado emoji, and a reminder to Google ‘what is AI’ before reading further.