NEW YORK — As Week 17 of the NFL season approaches, league officials confirmed Monday that clinching a playoff berth now involves solving at least one differential equation and, in a new twist, consulting professional tarot readers for each conference. The announcement has left teams, fans, and ESPN graphics departments scrambling for clarity.

“Right now, if the Jaguars beat the Panthers, the Bears lose by exactly two safeties, and Mercury is in retrograde, then the Texans could clinch a wild card—assuming, of course, a coin flip in Arizona comes up tails,” explained NFL Playoff Scenario Coordinator Chad Vickers while holding a Ouija board over a laminated bracket.

The NFL has proudly published its 142-page playoff scenario guide, including flowcharts, astrological charts, and a Sudoku puzzle. “It’s all very straightforward,” claimed Ravens head coach John Harbaugh, flipping through the tome. “You just need a PhD, a deck of tarot cards, and, apparently, the blood of a newt. We’re pretty sure we’re in if we beat Miami unless Saturn enters Leo.”

Players have also expressed confusion. “I just want to know if I should book my Cancun trip or keep pretending to care about film study,” said Saints quarterback Tommy Applewhite, staring bleakly at an equation on his iPad. “Coach said we need a miracle and a tie in Detroit. I guess I’ll go buy some crystals.”

Sources report the NFL is considering replacing the final playoff spots with a bake-off or competitive limbo contest, but only if the Patriots lose and it snows in Houston.