In a bold effort to unite the country through mutual melancholy, singer-songwriter Noah Kahan announced his fourth album, “The Great Divide,” set for release on April 24—a date which psychologists are now warning could trigger a nationwide spike in wistful sighing.

Kahan, whose previous albums gently guided listeners into the soft embrace of seasonal depression, claims this new record will break new ground in the genre of ‘Indie Folk Despair.’ “When I wrote ‘The Great Divide,’ I wanted fans to feel the kind of deep existential longing that can only be healed by listening to more Noah Kahan songs,” Kahan explained from a field somewhere in Vermont, where the album cover was reportedly shot during a particularly cloudy afternoon.

The first single, also titled “The Great Divide,” is rumored to feature 14 acoustic guitars, 3 banjos, and a chorus of local woodland creatures. Music critic Penelope Drench gushed, “It’s rare to hear an album so committed to making listeners yearn for a simpler time they never actually had. I wept for hours, then texted my ex.”

Upon hearing the news, President Biden issued an executive order instructing all federal employees to keep a flannel shirt handy, just in case. “We’re seeing unprecedented levels of nationwide pensive staring out of windows,” White House press secretary Linda Birch cautioned, “We expect productivity to plummet as Kahan fans take extended brooding walks in the rain.”

Local Vermont therapist Dr. Greg Mourn issued a statement: “My calendar is now booked solid through July. If you need to process your feelings about ‘The Great Divide,’ please leave a sad voicemail, and I’ll get back to you by autumn.”