WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a landmark legal battle that could determine the fate of at least two pledge drives, National Public Radio argued in federal court Wednesday that the Trump administration’s executive order mandating all news to be delivered via Twitter threads constitutes, in legal terms, “an existential threat to tote bag distribution.”

“Public radio is not just ethically obligated to serve the public—it’s contractually obligated to provide stylish canvas accessories every fiscal quarter,” declared NPR’s lead attorney, Miranda Glass, who arrived to court brandishing a freshly screen-printed mug. “The administration’s reckless disregard for pledge drive law has put not only journalism, but also adequate storage for groceries and sheet music, at grave risk.”

Assistant White House press secretary Chet Dorrance dismissed the lawsuit as “fake news clutter” and insisted, “If the American people want in-depth analysis of the Finnish logging sector, they can just Google it like normal folks.”

At issue is Executive Order 13788-G, the so-called “No News Before Noon Act,” which directs all non-profit media outlets to dedicate their airtime to reruns of ‘The Apprentice’ and YouTube videos of White House karaoke night. Legal experts say the outcome could impact the very future of weekend puzzle segments.

NPR senior producer Rigby Clausen expressed concern that, “If this ruling stands, we’ll have to start describing everything in 280 characters or less, and I’m not sure how to compress a three-hour banjo solo.”

The court is expected to rule next week, just in time for NPR’s spring fundraising drive and limited-edition yo-yo offer.