SYDNEY—Expressing deep surprise at a phenomenon previously thought to be a natural force, NSW Treasury officials announced Wednesday that tax concessions designed to make housing more profitable for investors have, bafflingly, made housing less affordable for everyone else.

Presenting their findings before a federal parliamentary inquiry into the 50% capital gains tax discount, Treasury spokesperson Gwyneth Holloway described the revelation as “the policy equivalent of discovering water is wet.” According to Holloway, “We had assumed that giving wealthy investors enormous discounts would magically make things better for first home buyers, but bizarrely, it turns out the exact opposite happened.”

The report warns that generous CGT concessions and negative gearing have created powerful incentives for property investment, while assistance policies for first-time buyers are “mainly useful for purchasing commemorative ‘I Tried To Buy A House’ mugs.”

Property investor and part-time motivational speaker Trent Blakely responded, “Look, every Australian should be able to buy a house, provided they already own three.”

Meanwhile, first home buyer Mia Chen stated, “I appreciate the $10,000 grant, but unfortunately my dream house is currently valued at $1.6 million. So I’ll be using it to buy a tent.”

The inquiry is now considering bold reforms, such as asking investors to say ‘please’ before snapping up entire apartment blocks, or switching the national anthem to ‘Money (That’s What I Want).’